I have been a delinquent contributor to my own life. Thus, my absence on my blog. I've let go, lost focus. Fumbling on the thread of balance, I am a distracted version of the self I want to be.
***
There's this Standard. It's something I've always held myself to, even when I was a little girl. I was always quick to admit guilt or shortcoming, even before my parents or teachers had a chance to point it out. I figured if I fessed up ahead of time, I would be a step ahead in the right direction. That much closer to being better.
I have always wanted to be better. Never good enough as I am. And so I have lived my days, pursuing a standard set only by myself, expected only by my own imagination, and threatened only by my own demons.
I do not feel sorry for myself with this Standard. Our world is filled with them. Those we seek; those we avoid. Standards we contrive on our own (hello, adolescent Caroline); and those imposed on us by society (hello, Hollywood). And so we navigate the path through an abyss of hard-wired Things We Could and Should Be.
Our self-prescribed standards evolve over time. I no longer hold myself to the standard of a 14 year old girl. But new ones, important ones, raise the bar: I will not judge others. I will be a person of kindness and honor. I will love myself.
All of the sudden, my adolescent Standards seem much easier. In fact, these adult Expectations are downright exhausting.
I want to be a wise, thorough and thoughtful person. This is my Standard. I want to live through love, without judgment, open to suffering and constantly offering compassion. I want to rest my head in trust and lie down next to balance. These are my Standards. These are who I could be. I should be nothing less.
But sometimes, I feel tired. Sometimes, I don't write. And sometimes, I am a delinquent version of the self I know I could be. But that's okay, because I'm releasing judgment and loving myself all the same. How's that for adhering to a Standard? Take that, Adolescent Me.
***
There's this Standard. It's something I've always held myself to, even when I was a little girl. I was always quick to admit guilt or shortcoming, even before my parents or teachers had a chance to point it out. I figured if I fessed up ahead of time, I would be a step ahead in the right direction. That much closer to being better.
I have always wanted to be better. Never good enough as I am. And so I have lived my days, pursuing a standard set only by myself, expected only by my own imagination, and threatened only by my own demons.
I do not feel sorry for myself with this Standard. Our world is filled with them. Those we seek; those we avoid. Standards we contrive on our own (hello, adolescent Caroline); and those imposed on us by society (hello, Hollywood). And so we navigate the path through an abyss of hard-wired Things We Could and Should Be.
Our self-prescribed standards evolve over time. I no longer hold myself to the standard of a 14 year old girl. But new ones, important ones, raise the bar: I will not judge others. I will be a person of kindness and honor. I will love myself.
All of the sudden, my adolescent Standards seem much easier. In fact, these adult Expectations are downright exhausting.
I want to be a wise, thorough and thoughtful person. This is my Standard. I want to live through love, without judgment, open to suffering and constantly offering compassion. I want to rest my head in trust and lie down next to balance. These are my Standards. These are who I could be. I should be nothing less.
But sometimes, I feel tired. Sometimes, I don't write. And sometimes, I am a delinquent version of the self I know I could be. But that's okay, because I'm releasing judgment and loving myself all the same. How's that for adhering to a Standard? Take that, Adolescent Me.
Beloved Caroline, that is great and wonderful to read from and about you. You are on a path to a very special way in your life. Congratulation. May the love of God be always with you, He is the ONE and only in whatever Being he appears. Love and blessings, Aron
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