Several years ago--I can't remember exactly when--I took a second look at Pity. The emotion never sat right with me, especially the indulgent kind that we often offer to our own damaged psyches or broken hearts. A process that typically results in multiple empty Ben & Jerry's cartons and wine bottles, if you will.
My trouble with the dark force of pity is derived from a basic understanding of--and trust in--human capability. In sum, it's that every person has the cognitive ability to better his or her own life and all of the unfortunate situations in between. Of course, there are any number of external factors that influence said life and situations; but all else being equal, humans are pretty powerful forces of nature. We all express pain, suffering, and disappointment differently; and coping mechanisms vary from one person to the next. But ultimately, each of us has the power to accept the negative situation, learn from it, and move on.
In the world of cliches, self-pity is crying over spilled milk. Third-party-pity is me-crying-with-you over said spilled milk. Tears on top of milk may dilute the initial substance, but eventually you just have more wasted liquid to clean up.
A couple of things before I come off as an out-of-touch, insensitive optimist taking too many happy pills:
1. Pity is not the same thing as Compassion. Pity is pedantic and denigrating. Compassion is bold and powerful, filled with love and a sense of connectivity. Compassion is productive; pity is not.
2. 90 percent of moving past pity is acceptance. This is not easy. (See next post.)
In Buddhism, we operate from the central truth that life is suffering. I did not like this truth when first I met Buddha. My life is not suffering; my life is happy and fabulous, and I am rarely suffering. So it is. However, when we accept the presence of suffering in our lives, its often unsuspected arrival is much easier to bear. We can accept it, understand it, and eventually harness our power to move past it. All without you pitying me or me pitying me.
Think of the energy we would conserve if everyone in the world stopped pitying themselves and each other. We would have a reservoir of positive energy, ready to propel us forward.
Amateur disclaimer: I have never studied psychology and am not in any way qualified to make these statements aside from personal experience.
My trouble with the dark force of pity is derived from a basic understanding of--and trust in--human capability. In sum, it's that every person has the cognitive ability to better his or her own life and all of the unfortunate situations in between. Of course, there are any number of external factors that influence said life and situations; but all else being equal, humans are pretty powerful forces of nature. We all express pain, suffering, and disappointment differently; and coping mechanisms vary from one person to the next. But ultimately, each of us has the power to accept the negative situation, learn from it, and move on.
In the world of cliches, self-pity is crying over spilled milk. Third-party-pity is me-crying-with-you over said spilled milk. Tears on top of milk may dilute the initial substance, but eventually you just have more wasted liquid to clean up.
A couple of things before I come off as an out-of-touch, insensitive optimist taking too many happy pills:
1. Pity is not the same thing as Compassion. Pity is pedantic and denigrating. Compassion is bold and powerful, filled with love and a sense of connectivity. Compassion is productive; pity is not.
2. 90 percent of moving past pity is acceptance. This is not easy. (See next post.)
In Buddhism, we operate from the central truth that life is suffering. I did not like this truth when first I met Buddha. My life is not suffering; my life is happy and fabulous, and I am rarely suffering. So it is. However, when we accept the presence of suffering in our lives, its often unsuspected arrival is much easier to bear. We can accept it, understand it, and eventually harness our power to move past it. All without you pitying me or me pitying me.
Think of the energy we would conserve if everyone in the world stopped pitying themselves and each other. We would have a reservoir of positive energy, ready to propel us forward.
Amateur disclaimer: I have never studied psychology and am not in any way qualified to make these statements aside from personal experience.
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