Skip to main content

Delinquent/Standard

I have been a delinquent contributor to my own life.  Thus, my absence on my blog.  I've let go, lost focus.  Fumbling on the thread of balance, I am a distracted version of the self I want to be. 

***

There's this Standard.  It's something I've always held myself to, even when I was a little girl.  I was always quick to admit guilt or shortcoming, even before my parents or teachers had a chance to point it out.  I figured if I fessed up ahead of time, I would be a step ahead in the right direction.  That much closer to being better. 

I have always wanted to be better.  Never good enough as I am.  And so I have lived my days, pursuing a standard set only by myself, expected only by my own imagination, and threatened only by my own demons.

I do not feel sorry for myself with this Standard.  Our world is filled with them.  Those we seek; those we avoid.  Standards we contrive on our own (hello, adolescent Caroline); and those imposed on us by society (hello, Hollywood).  And so we navigate the path through an abyss of hard-wired Things We Could and Should Be. 

Our self-prescribed standards evolve over time.  I no longer hold myself to the standard of a 14 year old girl.  But new ones, important ones, raise the bar:  I will not judge others.  I will be a person of kindness and honor.  I will love myself. 

All of the sudden, my adolescent Standards seem much easier.  In fact, these adult Expectations are downright exhausting.

I want to be a wise, thorough and thoughtful person.  This is my Standard.  I want to live through love, without judgment, open to suffering and constantly offering compassion.  I want to rest my head in trust and lie down next to balance.  These are my Standards.  These are who I could be.  I should be nothing less. 

But sometimes, I feel tired.  Sometimes, I don't write.  And sometimes, I am a delinquent version of the self I know I could be.  But that's okay, because I'm releasing judgment and loving myself all the same.  How's that for adhering to a Standard?  Take that,  Adolescent Me.

Comments

  1. AronMarch 30, 2011 at 1:40 PM

    Beloved Caroline, that is great and wonderful to read from and about you. You are on a path to a very special way in your life. Congratulation. May the love of God be always with you, He is the ONE and only in whatever Being he appears. Love and blessings, Aron

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Care about education? Want better for teachers? Vote like it

https://www.thestate.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor/article212727544.html?platform=hootsuite LETTER TO THE STATE EDITORIAL BOARD LINKEDIN GOOGLE+ PINTEREST REDDIT PRINT ORDER REPRINT OF THIS STORY June 11, 2018 07:18 PM Updated June 11, 2018 07:18 PM COLUMBIA, SC  Did you know that May was Teacher Appreciation Month in South Carolina? Yes, indeed; proclaimed by every governor since 2012. The gesture, much like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day (June 17, by the way), is an important reminder to acknowledge and celebrate a group of people who are pivotal in our lives. Of course, we all know that every day is Mother’s and Father’s Day, just like every month is Teacher Appreciation Month, right? I wish. Though South Carolina’s teachers have not staged walk-outs like their peers in other states, our educators are no less struggling with the burden of increasing responsibilities compensated by decreasing paychecks.  Contrary to popula...
Post a Comment
Read more

Southern Politics, of the Heart

In the early Spring of 2018, a mentor gave my name to the Chair of Georgetown County's Democratic Party — their convention was coming up, and would I consider providing the keynote address?  There is most definitely a first for everything.  I accepted with gratitude and a healthy amount of anxiety.  Below is an excerpt from my speech, which I'm sharing now because I know many good-hearted, rational folks shy away from politics.  I get it, it can be uncomfortable, and it's certainly been divisive of late.  But we've gotten to a point in our country where we can't afford you not showing up to cast your ballot.   So maybe my interpretation of politics helps you a little, or maybe it totally pisses you off — either way, I hope it nudges you towards the polls on November 6th.    *** I'm biased, but my name is pretty special. I inherited it from my grandmother, who was a pretty special woman.  Most people called the first Caroline M...
Post a Comment
Read more

Name of the New Game

Four years ago I moved home to be a part of a growing movement for civil rights and social justice in the South. I have learned many, many lessons and found great clarity along the way.  In these four years, I have confirmed that the Southern Powers That Be are— surprise —still quite conservative. Not only in political persuasion, but perhaps more consequentially in tolerance of risk, of trying new things, of investing in people and ideas that have moved the needle towards justice and equality.  In these four years, I have also confirmed my long-held belief that— surprise again —the South is not universally conservative. Courageous Southerners (native and adopted!) are working on reversing all manner of injustices incurred in this generation and those long past—from public education to women’s rights to justice reform and beyond. Many are my friends. All of them are my heroes.  And after four years of Life-As-A-Progressive-Southerner-Living-In-The-South, I ha...
Post a Comment
Read more